In the world of couples counselling, there is no shortage of methods, philosophies, and tools aimed at helping people repair ruptures and reconnect. But if you’ve ever sat across from your partner in a therapy session and felt like nothing was really shifting—just rehashing the same old story—you’re not alone. That’s why Relational Life Therapy (RLT), created by Terry Real, offers something radically different: a truth-telling, boundary-building, compassion-rooted approach to connection that doesn’t just patch the surface—it transforms the foundation.
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we integrate RLT because it speaks directly to what couples truly need: honesty with heart, accountability with care, and tools that actually work in real-life relationships.
Whether you’re new to counselling or familiar with Terry Real’s Fierce Intimacy podcast, this post will help you understand what RLT is, what “losing strategies” are, and how this approach may be the shift your relationship has been waiting for.
What Is Relational Life Therapy?
Relational Life Therapy is a groundbreaking therapeutic model developed by Terry Real, a family therapist, best-selling author, and relationship expert. RLT moves beyond traditional models of couples counselling that often center around passive listening or simply teaching communication skills. Instead, it addresses power dynamics, trauma legacies, and emotional regulation in a direct, honest, and empowering way.
At its core, RLT is about living relationally—not just coexisting with another person, but choosing to show up fully and vulnerably while also standing strong in your own truth.
Here are a few defining features of RLT:
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Direct and compassionate truth-telling: Therapists don’t sit back and stay neutral. They speak up and guide.
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Disrupting “losing strategies”: Helping clients recognize and interrupt the behaviors that sabotage connection.
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Trauma-informed and holistic: Acknowledging how past wounds affect present dynamics.
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Empowerment of both partners: RLT doesn’t cater to just one person’s pain; it holds both accountable to relational growth.
The 5 Losing Strategies: How We Push Love Away Without Realizing It
One of the most powerful tools in RLT is identifying what Terry Real calls “losing strategies.” These are the unconscious behaviours we all use to try to get what we want in relationships—but they inevitably backfire.
Here are the five most common losing strategies:
1. Being Right
The compulsion to prove your point, even at the cost of your partner’s emotional safety. Winning the argument becomes more important than protecting the connection.
2. Controlling
Trying to manage your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviours. This often shows up as fixing, advising, or coercing.
3. Unbridled Self-Expression
Saying whatever you feel in the moment, with no filter or care for how it lands. This may feel “honest,” but it often damages trust.
4. Retaliation
Hitting back—whether subtly or overtly—when you feel hurt. This might look like sarcasm, emotional withdrawal, or revenge.
5. Withdrawal
Shutting down, going quiet, or disappearing emotionally. It’s a common trauma response, but it creates distance and reinforces disconnection.
In RLT, the focus is not on shame, but awareness. These strategies are usually survival tools learned in childhood, or protective responses developed over time. The goal isn’t to judge them—it’s to outgrow them.
The Fierce Intimacy Approach: Love With Backbone and Heart
If you’ve listened to Terry Real’s Fierce Intimacy podcast, you’ll know he doesn’t mince words. He’s known for his no-nonsense delivery, but behind that is a deeply compassionate, trauma-informed approach.
Fierce Intimacy is the idea that real love doesn’t mean being nice all the time—it means being real.
It’s the ability to:
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Speak your truth with love
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Set boundaries that honour yourself and your partner
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Interrupt patterns of disconnection early and effectively
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Stand in your dignity without giving up your vulnerability
Many people come into therapy believing that they have to choose between honesty and kindness. In RLT, you learn how to do both.
How RLT Differs from Other Couples Counselling Models
While traditional couples counselling models like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method have their strengths, RLT brings something different to the table—especially when couples feel stuck or one partner is dominating the dynamic.
1. The Therapist Has a Voice
In RLT, the therapist is an active participant, not a neutral referee. They call out patterns, offer direct feedback, and help partners see their blind spots without shame.
2. It’s Trauma-Informed and Systemic
RLT therapists explore how your family of origin and past experiences shape how you show up in your relationship. You learn not just how to fix the present, but how to heal the past.
3. It Centers Accountability and Repair
Instead of endless empathy with no change, RLT invites accountability. Each partner is asked to own their part—with compassion. This is the basis for lasting change.
4. It Addresses Power Imbalances
Many therapy models avoid naming power dynamics, especially gendered ones. RLT goes straight there. It helps rebalance relationships where one person holds too much control or influence, whether emotionally, verbally, or financially.
5. It Works Quickly
RLT is results-oriented. It aims to produce tangible change early in the process, especially in areas like communication, boundaries, and emotional regulation.
Why We Use RLT at Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling
Our practice is built around the belief that relationships are where we heal, and also where our deepest wounds can be triggered. Relational Life Therapy offers a compassionate, bold, and integrative way to work with couples that is transformational—not just functional.
We use RLT because:
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It gives couples tools they can use immediately.
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It honours both emotional depth and personal accountability.
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It supports not just symptom relief, but relational growth.
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It aligns with our holistic values—healing is not just about communication, it’s about nervous system regulation, trauma awareness, and soul-level truth.
Is RLT Right for You and Your Partner?
Relational Life Therapy may be a great fit if:
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You’re tired of having the same fight over and over
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You feel emotionally disconnected from your partner
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One of you tends to dominate or shut down
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You’re willing to grow as individuals to strengthen the relationship
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You want a counsellor who will guide you with honesty and care
You don’t need to wait until things are falling apart to start this work. In fact, many couples use RLT proactively to deepen their connection, even if things are going relatively well.
Final Thoughts: Real Love Takes Real Work
Relational Life Therapy doesn’t offer quick fixes or avoid hard truths—but it does offer real transformation. If you’re ready to stop playing out the same painful patterns and start creating a relationship where both people feel seen, valued, and supported, RLT might be the path forward.
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we’re here to walk that path with you—with truth, compassion, and fierce love. Veronique Rioux currently certified level 1 RLT.
Interested in exploring Relational Life Therapy for your relationship? Reach out today to book a session or consultation. Let’s move beyond survival strategies and into real, connected intimacy—together.
Make sure you check out my others post about couple therapy: