Grief is one of the most universal human experiences—and one of the most personal.
We often associate grief with the death of someone we love, but grief can follow many kinds of loss: the end of a relationship, separation or divorce, losing a home or job, changes in health, a friendship ending, children leaving home, or the loss of a future we thought we were going to have.
Sometimes we even grieve something we chose.
There isn’t one correct way to grieve, and there isn’t a timeline telling you when you should be “over it.”
What Does Grief Feel Like?
Grief can affect much more than our emotions.
You might experience:
- Deep sadness or crying
- Anger or irritability
- Guilt or regret
- Relief followed by guilt about feeling relieved
- Anxiety or fear
- Loneliness
- Numbness or disbelief
- Difficulty concentrating
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Physical exhaustion
- A sense that part of your identity has disappeared
- Moments of happiness followed unexpectedly by sadness
Some days you may feel relatively okay.
Then a song, photograph, smell, anniversary or ordinary memory can suddenly bring the loss back.
That doesn’t mean you’re going backwards.
It’s part of how grief can move.
Do We Really Go Through Five Stages of Grief?
You may have heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross originally developed this framework while writing about people facing terminal illness. Over time, the stages became widely associated with bereavement and other forms of loss.
They can help give language to some experiences people have while grieving.
But grief isn’t a five-step process.
You don’t need to experience every stage.
They don’t necessarily happen in order.
And reaching “acceptance” doesn’t mean you stop missing someone or that your grief is finished.
You might feel acceptance one day and enormous sadness the next.
Rather than asking:
“What stage should I be in?”
I think a gentler question is:
“What am I experiencing today?”
There Is No Correct Timeline for Grief
People can feel pressure to recover from loss surprisingly quickly.
Eventually, other people’s lives continue.
They may stop asking how you’re doing.
You may return to work.
Responsibilities resume.
But internally, your experience may still be very different.
There isn’t a deadline for grief.
At the same time, you don’t have to remain alone with overwhelming pain simply because grief is natural.
Support can be helpful at any point—not because you’re grieving incorrectly, but because grief can be incredibly difficult to carry.
Grief Isn’t Only About Death
Some losses aren’t always recognized by other people.
You may grieve:
- A relationship that ended
- A marriage or family structure
- A pregnancy
- Fertility
- A friendship
- Your health or physical abilities
- A career
- A home or community
- A pet
- A dream you had for your future
- A relationship with a living family member
- The childhood you wish you had experienced
- A version of yourself you can no longer return to
When other people don’t recognize the significance of the loss, grief can become especially lonely.
You are still allowed to grieve it.
Grieving a Relationship That Has Ended
Relationship grief can be particularly complicated.
You may simultaneously miss someone and know the relationship wasn’t working.
You may feel love, anger, relief, loneliness and hope within the same day.
If children are involved, you may also be grieving the family structure you imagined while continuing to interact with your former partner.
Sometimes we’re not only grieving the person.
We’re grieving who we were with them and the future we imagined together.
That can take time to understand.
Making Space for Difficult Emotions
One of the things counselling can provide during grief is somewhere you don’t have to make your emotions easier for other people.
You don’t have to say:
“I’m okay.”
You don’t have to look on the bright side.
You don’t have to be grateful because things could have been worse.
And you don’t have to stop loving or missing someone in order to heal.
There can be space for sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, love and even relief.
Sometimes contradictory emotions belong together.
Do We Need “Closure”?
I tend to be careful with the word closure.
It can imply that eventually we should finish grieving, close that chapter and leave the person or experience behind.
For many people, that’s not what healing looks like.
We may instead learn how to integrate the loss into our lives.
A person who died may continue to matter deeply.
A relationship that ended may remain an important part of our story.
Something painful may eventually become easier to remember without dominating our present.
Healing doesn’t require forgetting.
Staying Connected to Someone You’ve Lost
When someone has died, maintaining a connection to them can sometimes be part of grieving.
That might involve:
- Looking at photographs
- Telling stories about them
- Cooking something they loved
- Visiting a meaningful place
- Writing them a letter
- Creating a ritual on birthdays or anniversaries
- Continuing something they cared about
- Talking about them with people who knew them
The relationship changes, but the meaning that person had in your life doesn’t have to disappear.
Caring for Yourself While Grieving
Grief can consume enormous amounts of physical and emotional energy.
During difficult periods, basic care matters.
Eating.
Sleeping when you can.
Moving your body.
Going outside.
Accepting practical help.
Connecting with someone safe.
Allowing yourself moments of pleasure without believing that enjoying something means you’ve forgotten what you lost.
You may also find my article about self-care and emotional wellbeing helpful during periods when your capacity feels limited.
When Grief and Trauma Overlap
Not every loss is traumatic, but sometimes grief and trauma occur together.
A sudden or frightening death, traumatic birth, accident, violence or another overwhelming experience may leave someone grieving while also trying to process what happened.
In those circumstances, the work may involve both the loss itself and the nervous system’s response to the experience.
If trauma is part of what you’re carrying, we can approach it carefully and at your pace rather than forcing you to repeatedly revisit experiences before you’re ready.
Counselling for Grief and Loss in Nanaimo and Online
You don’t need counselling simply because you’re grieving.
Grief is not an illness that needs to be fixed.
But sometimes having a place where your grief is welcome can make an incredibly difficult period feel less lonely.
Counselling may provide space to talk about the person or life you’ve lost, explore complicated emotions, understand how the loss has changed you and gradually discover what moving forward means for you.
Moving forward doesn’t have to mean moving on.
My counselling approach is grounded in empathy, acceptance and curiosity. You can read more about person-centred counselling and my therapeutic approach.
You can also learn more about my counselling services in Nanaimo and online.
If you’d like to see whether working together feels like the right fit, you can request a free 15-minute consultation.