Have you ever looked at an optical illusion with someone and realized that you were seeing two completely different things?
Neither person is necessarily wrong. You are looking at the same image, but your brains are interpreting it differently.
Relationships can work the same way.
Two people can experience the exact same conversation, disagreement, or event and walk away with completely different versions of what happened.
One person might say:
“I felt completely ignored.”
And the other thinks:
“But I wasn’t ignoring you!”
Our instinct is often to defend our version of events. But when we immediately defend ourselves, the other person may feel even less understood.
This is where validation can completely change a conversation.
What Is Emotional Validation?
Validation means communicating that another person’s feelings and experience make sense from their perspective.
It doesn’t necessarily mean:
“You’re right.”
It means:
“I can understand how you experienced it that way.”
That’s an important distinction.
We can validate someone’s emotional experience without agreeing with their interpretation, taking responsibility for something we didn’t do, or abandoning our own perspective.
Validation allows two realities to exist at the same time.
Validation Doesn’t Mean Agreement
This is probably one of the most important things to understand about validation.
Imagine your partner says:
“You didn’t care about me at all last night.”
You might immediately want to respond:
“That’s ridiculous! Of course I cared about you.”
Now you’re arguing about whether their experience is correct.
Instead, you might say:
“I can understand why you felt alone last night. I was distracted and wasn’t very present with you.”
You haven’t agreed that you don’t care.
You’ve acknowledged the experience underneath the accusation.
That small difference can completely change where the conversation goes next.
Why Validation Can Be So Difficult
Validation sounds simple when we’re calm.
It’s much harder when we feel criticized, blamed, rejected, misunderstood, or attacked.
Our nervous system may interpret conflict as a threat.
We defend ourselves.
We explain.
We counterattack.
We shut down.
We try to prove what actually happened.
And sometimes we stop listening because we’re already preparing our response.
Before we can genuinely validate another person, we may need to regulate ourselves enough to become curious again.
Regulate First, Respond Second
If you notice yourself becoming defensive during conflict, pay attention to what’s happening in your body.
Maybe your heart is beating faster.
Your jaw tightens.
Your voice gets louder.
You feel heat in your chest.
You desperately want to interrupt.
Or perhaps you want to leave the conversation completely.
These can be signs that you need a moment to regulate before continuing.
You might slow your breathing, feel your feet on the ground, unclench your jaw, or take a short agreed-upon break before returning to the conversation.
Mindfulness can also help us notice these reactions before automatically acting on them. You can read more in Mindfulness Practices for Stress Reduction: A Guide to Inner Calm.
What Does Validation Actually Sound Like?
You don’t need complicated therapeutic language.
Try:
“That makes sense.”
“I can understand why that hurt.”
“I didn’t realize that’s how you experienced it.”
“I can see why you were disappointed.”
“Given what happened, I understand why you’re angry.”
“Tell me more.”
“I want to understand what this was like for you.”
Or:
“I remember it differently, but I can understand why you experienced it that way.”
That last one can be especially powerful during conflict because it allows you to maintain your own perspective while still making room for someone else’s.
Validation and Empathy
Validation and empathy are closely connected.
Empathy asks us to temporarily step outside our own perspective and become curious about someone else’s experience.
Instead of asking:
“Who’s right?”
We begin asking:
“What is this like for you?”
That shift can create emotional safety.
Feeling understood doesn’t necessarily solve the problem, but it often makes solving the problem much easier.
This is also one of the reasons empathy is central to my person-centered approach to counselling. You can read more about Empathy and Person-Centered Therapy.
Validation in Couples
Validation can be particularly powerful in intimate relationships.
Many recurring arguments aren’t simply about the dishes, money, sex, parenting, schedules, or whose version of an event is correct.
Underneath the surface, someone may be asking:
Do you understand me?
Do my feelings matter to you?
Are you listening?
Am I important to you?
When couples learn to slow down and understand what is happening underneath their arguments, conflict can become an opportunity for deeper connection.
This principle also fits beautifully with Imago dialogue, where partners practice listening deeply and understanding one another’s experience rather than immediately defending their own.
You can read more about Imago Therapy for Couples and Gottman Therapy for Couples.
Validation Doesn’t Mean Accepting Harmful Behaviour
There is an important boundary here.
Understanding someone’s feelings doesn’t mean accepting disrespectful or harmful behaviour.
You can say:
“I understand that you’re extremely angry, and I’m willing to talk about what happened. I’m not willing to be yelled at.”
Both things can coexist:
Your feelings make sense.
And I still have a boundary.
Healthy relationships need both empathy and boundaries.
Learning to Validate Yourself
Validation isn’t only something we offer other people.
We can practice it with ourselves.
Instead of:
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
Try:
“It makes sense that I’m feeling this way given what I’ve been experiencing.”
Instead of:
“I’m being ridiculous.”
Try:
“Something about this is affecting me. I want to understand why.”
Self-validation doesn’t mean every thought we have is true or every reaction is helpful.
It means we stop fighting ourselves long enough to become curious about what we’re experiencing.
Creating More Connected Relationships
Validation doesn’t require us to agree about everything.
It asks us to recognize that two people can stand in the same room, experience the same event, and leave with very different emotional realities.
When we become less focused on proving whose reality is correct and more interested in understanding one another, something changes.
Defensiveness can soften.
People feel heard.
Curiosity becomes possible.
And conflict can become less about winning and more about understanding.
If you find that you and your partner repeatedly become trapped in the same arguments, counselling can help you slow those patterns down and develop different ways of communicating.
You can learn more about my counselling services in Nanaimo and online, or book a free consultation with me.