news 2 - Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling

Relational Life Therapy: Accountability, Boundaries and Deeper Connection

by Veronique Rioux | Aug 2, 2025 | news

Couples can love each other deeply and still become caught in patterns that slowly damage connection.

One partner may criticize while the other withdraws. One may try to control the conversation while the other shuts down. Both people may feel hurt, misunderstood, or convinced that the other person is the problem.

Relational Life Therapy (RLT), developed by family therapist Terry Real, offers a direct and structured way of looking at these relationship patterns.

Rather than focusing only on communication techniques, RLT also explores accountability, boundaries, family-of-origin patterns, power dynamics, trauma, and the relational skills needed to create healthier connection.

What Is Relational Life Therapy?

Relational Life Therapy is a couples-therapy approach developed by Terry Real.

The official RLT model describes three broad phases of work:

Waking up the client — identifying the patterns and behaviours that are contributing to relationship distress.
Trauma work — understanding how earlier experiences and adaptations influence current relationships.
Skill building — developing more effective ways of communicating, setting boundaries, repairing, and relating.

One of the things I appreciate about RLT is that the therapist does not simply remain neutral while destructive patterns continue.

The approach uses what RLT calls compassionate confrontation: helping people recognize the part they play in the relationship dynamic while maintaining dignity and respect.

You can learn more about the model directly through the Relational Life Institute.

The Five Losing Strategies

One of the most practical concepts in RLT is the Five Losing Strategies.

These are common ways people attempt to protect themselves, get their needs met, or regain control during conflict—but which often create greater disconnection instead.

RLT identifies the five losing strategies as:

1. Being Right

When being correct becomes more important than understanding your partner.

You may focus so intensely on proving your version of events that the relationship itself becomes secondary.

The question shifts from:

“How do we understand one another?”

to:

“Who wins?”

2. Controlling

Trying to manage your partner’s thoughts, emotions, decisions, or behaviour.

Control may be obvious, but it can also look like constant advice, criticism, pressure, fixing, or insisting that your partner respond in a particular way.

3. Unbridled Self-Expression

Saying whatever you feel simply because it is “honest,” without considering how it will affect the other person.

Honesty matters.

But honesty without responsibility can become hurtful.

Healthy communication involves both expressing ourselves and considering how our words land.

4. Retaliation

When hurt leads us to hurt back.

Retaliation might involve sarcasm, criticism, withholding affection, bringing up old wounds, or deliberately doing something we know will affect our partner.

It may feel protective in the moment, but usually deepens the original injury.

5. Withdrawal

Pulling away emotionally or physically when a relationship feels overwhelming.

Withdrawal can include shutting down, refusing to engage, leaving conversations, emotionally disappearing, or creating increasing distance.

Sometimes withdrawal is a protective response to feeling flooded or unsafe.

The goal is not to shame the response but to recognize when it has become part of a repeating relationship cycle.

The Five Losing Strategies are part of RLT’s framework for helping couples identify the behaviours that keep them stuck.

Why Do We Keep Repeating These Patterns?

RLT looks beneath the behaviour.

Many of the strategies we use in adult relationships developed for understandable reasons.

Perhaps criticism was how conflict happened in your family.

Maybe withdrawing kept you safe.

Perhaps you learned that you had to control situations because the adults around you were unpredictable.

Or maybe expressing your needs never felt safe, so you learned to suppress them until resentment eventually exploded.

RLT uses the concept of the Adaptive Child to describe some of the ways we learned to protect ourselves earlier in life that may no longer work well in adult relationships.

This connects closely with attachment patterns in relationships and family systems therapy.

Accountability Without Shame

One reason couples become stuck is that accountability can feel like blame.

If I admit that I hurt you, does that mean I am a bad person?

If I acknowledge my behaviour, does that mean your behaviour was acceptable?

RLT encourages people to separate accountability from shame.

We can acknowledge:

“I did something hurtful.”

without turning it into:

“I am fundamentally bad.”

And both partners can take responsibility for their own behaviour without pretending that every problem in the relationship is exactly 50/50.

Sometimes one behaviour is more damaging than another.

Sometimes there are meaningful power imbalances.

Healthy couples work needs enough honesty to name those differences while still helping both people develop healthier ways of relating.

Boundaries and Self-Esteem

RLT places considerable emphasis on healthy self-esteem and boundaries.

Relationships become difficult when we move too far toward either extreme.

At one end, we may abandon ourselves in order to maintain connection.

At the other, we may protect ourselves so strongly that there is very little room for intimacy.

Healthy relating requires learning how to stay connected without losing ourselves.

That might mean being able to say:

“I love you, and I’m not okay with being spoken to that way.”

“I understand you’re upset, and I still need this boundary.”

“Your feelings matter to me, and mine matter too.”

This connects naturally with the skills I discuss in my article on emotional validation in relationships.

Fierce Intimacy: Honesty With Connection

Terry Real often uses the language of relational living and “fierce intimacy” to describe relationships where people learn to tell the truth while remaining connected.

The goal is not brutal honesty.

It is honesty with relational responsibility.

That means asking:

Is what I’m saying true for me?

Does it need to be said?

Can I say it in a way that protects both my dignity and yours?

Many couples believe they have to choose between being kind and being honest.

The deeper work is learning how to do both.

How RLT Differs From Some Other Couples Approaches

I don’t think couples therapy models need to compete with one another.

Different approaches offer different lenses and tools.

For example, Gottman-informed work provides practical strategies for conflict, friendship, repair, and communication.

Imago therapy creates structured dialogue to increase understanding and empathy.

Attachment theory helps explain why certain relationship patterns feel so emotionally threatening.

RLT adds a particularly direct focus on accountability, relational patterns, boundaries, power, and the behaviours that keep couples stuck.

You can read more about Gottman-informed couples counselling and Imago Therapy for Couples.

My Training in Relational Life Therapy

I have completed Level 1 training in Relational Life Therapy.

I incorporate RLT-informed concepts and tools alongside my broader couples-counselling approach, which also draws from Imago, Gottman-informed work, attachment theory, person-centred counselling, validation, and other relational approaches.

I particularly value RLT’s willingness to name patterns directly while still remaining compassionate.

The goal isn’t to shame either partner.

It is to help both people see more clearly what is happening in the relationship and what needs to change.

Is RLT-Informed Couples Counselling Right for You?

This approach may be helpful if:

You keep having the same argument
One partner regularly pursues while the other withdraws
Defensiveness makes productive conversation difficult
One or both partners struggle with boundaries
Resentment has accumulated
You want more direct feedback in couples counselling
You want practical relational skills alongside deeper emotional work
You want to understand how family-of-origin patterns affect your relationship
You want greater accountability without shame

You do not need to be on the verge of separation to work on these patterns.

Couples can also use counselling proactively to strengthen communication and connection before the relationship reaches a crisis.

Couples Counselling in Nanaimo and Online

My couples work is integrative rather than based on a single model.

Depending on what is happening in your relationship, we may use RLT-informed concepts alongside Imago dialogue, Gottman-informed tools, attachment work, emotional validation, and other approaches.

You can learn more about couples therapy in Nanaimo or explore intensive couples therapy if you would benefit from longer, focused sessions.

If you and your partner would like to see whether working together feels like a good fit, you can book a consultation.

Parenting Teenagers: Building Connection, Trust and Healthy Boundaries

by Veronique Rioux | Jul 5, 2025 | news

Parenting teenagers can feel like entering an entirely new stage of parenting.

The child who once came to you with every question may suddenly want more privacy. Your teenager may challenge rules, spend more time with friends, become intensely emotional, or seem increasingly independent one day and need you deeply the next.

At the same time, today’s teenagers are navigating pressures that many parents didn’t experience in quite the same way: social media, constant digital connection, academic expectations, online comparison, changing friendships, exposure to substances, and growing awareness of mental health.

It can leave parents wondering:

How much freedom should I give my teenager?

When should I step in?

How do I set boundaries without damaging our relationship?

How do I stay connected when my teenager seems to be pulling away?

Parenting teenagers isn’t about maintaining the same level of control you had when they were young. It’s about gradually helping them develop the skills, judgment, confidence, and emotional awareness they will need to become independent adults.

Understanding the Teenage Brain

Teenagers aren’t simply younger versions of adults. Their brains and nervous systems are still developing.

During adolescence, areas of the brain involved in planning, impulse control, emotional regulation, and considering long-term consequences continue to mature. At the same time, teenagers become increasingly sensitive to social connection, belonging, novelty, and reward.

This doesn’t mean teenagers are incapable of making good decisions.

It means they are learning how to make increasingly complex decisions while their brains, identities, relationships, and independence are all developing at the same time.

Mistakes are part of this process.

As parents, our role gradually shifts from making most decisions for our children to helping them learn how to make decisions for themselves.

Parenting Teenagers Means Changing Your Role

When children are young, parenting requires considerable structure.

We decide when they go to bed, where they go, what they eat, who supervises them, and what is safe.

But we can’t parent a 16-year-old exactly as we parented a six-year-old.

As children move through adolescence, parenting gradually shifts from control toward guidance, connection, boundaries, and trust.

With younger children, parenting may involve more:

Clear rules and predictable consequences
Direct supervision
Structure and routines
Decisions made primarily by the parent

With teenagers, we gradually introduce more:

Collaboration
Privacy
Responsibility
Natural and logical consequences
Opportunities to make decisions
Conversations rather than lectures
Freedom that grows alongside demonstrated responsibility

This transition isn’t always comfortable.

A teenager pushing for independence doesn’t necessarily mean they are rejecting you. Developing an identity separate from their parents is an important part of adolescence.

The challenge is learning how to remain connected while allowing increasing independence.

Technology, Phones and Social Media

Technology is now woven into teenage social life.

Phones allow teenagers to communicate with friends, learn, create, access communities, listen to music, and explore their interests. At the same time, excessive or poorly regulated technology use can interfere with sleep, physical activity, schoolwork, family relationships, and emotional well-being.

Rather than treating technology as entirely good or bad, parents can help teenagers develop a healthier relationship with it.

Consider creating family expectations around:

Phones during meals
Devices in bedrooms overnight
Screen use before sleep
Online privacy
Social media
Gaming
Sexting and sharing images
Cyberbullying
What to do when something online feels unsafe

It can also be helpful to look at our own habits.

If we ask teenagers to put their phones away while we’re continually checking ours, they notice.

Healthy technology use is easier to teach when it is something the whole family practices.

Talk About Mental Health Before There Is a Crisis

Adolescence can involve powerful emotions.

Teenagers may experience anxiety, sadness, loneliness, academic pressure, friendship difficulties, body-image concerns, identity questions, relationship struggles, and uncertainty about their future.

Parents don’t need to solve every difficult emotion.

Sometimes the most important thing you can do is create an environment where your teenager knows difficult conversations are allowed.

Instead of immediately offering advice, try curiosity.

“Do you want me to listen, or do you want help figuring out what to do?”

That simple question can change a conversation.

You might also ask:

“What was the hardest part of your day?”

“Is there anything you’ve been worrying about lately?”

“What would feel supportive right now?”

When teenagers believe they can tell us the truth without immediately being judged, punished, lectured, or panicked over, we increase the chance that they will come to us when something important happens.

Be the Calm Person in the Room

One of the most powerful parenting tools isn’t a particular consequence or communication technique.

It’s our own ability to regulate ourselves.

Teenagers can say things that trigger fear, anger, frustration, or helplessness in parents.

If both the teenager and parent become highly activated, productive communication becomes difficult.

Sometimes the conversation needs to wait.

You can say:

“We’re both upset right now. I want to talk about this, but I want us to do it when we can actually hear each other.”

Taking time to regulate isn’t avoiding the issue. It can be a way of protecting the relationship while still addressing the problem.

This is also an opportunity to model something important:

Strong emotions don’t have to control our behaviour.

Boundaries Still Matter

Moving away from control doesn’t mean teenagers shouldn’t have boundaries.

Teenagers still need parents.

They need adults who are willing to say no when safety is involved, establish expectations, and tolerate the fact that their teenager may not always be happy with those decisions.

Healthy boundaries might involve:

Curfews
Driving
Substance use
School attendance
Household responsibilities
Technology
Sleep
Respectful communication
Knowing where your teenager is
Expectations around parties and social activities

Whenever possible, explain the reason behind a boundary.

As teenagers demonstrate responsibility, boundaries can evolve.

The long-term goal isn’t simply to have a teenager who follows rules.

It’s to help raise a young adult who can eventually create healthy boundaries and make thoughtful decisions without you standing beside them.

Let Teenagers Experience Manageable Consequences

Parents naturally want to protect their children from failure.

But rescuing teenagers from every uncomfortable consequence can unintentionally prevent them from developing responsibility.

Forgetting an assignment, making a poor choice with money, procrastinating on a project, or having a disagreement with a friend can become opportunities for learning.

Instead of immediately fixing the situation, you might ask:

“What do you think you should do?”

“What did you learn from this?”

“What could you do differently next time?”

“Do you want help brainstorming some options?”

This communicates something powerful:

I believe you are capable of figuring things out.

Talking About Alcohol, Cannabis and Other Substances

Conversations about substances can be uncomfortable, but avoiding them doesn’t protect teenagers.

Try to have these conversations before there is a crisis.

Discuss alcohol, cannabis, vaping, prescription medications, and other drugs openly and without exaggeration. Talk about impaired judgment, consent, driving, mixing substances, unknown drug contents, and how to get help if they or a friend are in trouble.

Most importantly, make sure your teenager knows that their safety matters more than avoiding punishment in an emergency.

A teenager who believes they can call you when something has gone wrong has an important layer of protection.

Mental Health, Medication and Professional Support

Some teenagers benefit from counselling, medical care, medication, school supports, or a combination of approaches.

Medication can be an important part of treatment for some young people, but decisions about medication should be made with an appropriate healthcare professional.

Mental health support can also include sleep, movement, meaningful relationships, routines, time outdoors, nutrition, reduced stress, and opportunities for connection and belonging.

If you notice significant or persistent changes in your teenager’s mood, sleep, eating, functioning, school attendance, substance use, relationships, or behaviour, consider reaching out to an appropriate healthcare or mental-health professional.

You don’t have to wait until everything becomes a crisis before asking for help.

Remember the Relationship

During difficult periods, parenting can start feeling like a series of corrections:

Did you finish your homework?

Clean your room.

Get off your phone.

Where are you going?

What time will you be home?

Why didn’t you answer me?

Rules matter, but so does having a relationship that exists outside the rules.

Find opportunities to simply enjoy your teenager.

Drive somewhere together. Cook something. Go for a walk. Watch a show they love. Listen to their music. Ask them to teach you something. Be interested in what interests them.

Connection creates a foundation that makes the difficult conversations easier.

Look at Your Own Parenting Triggers

Parenting teenagers can awaken parts of our own history.

Your teenager’s behaviour may remind you of yourself at their age. Or perhaps you are determined to parent completely differently from how you were raised.

Sometimes our strongest reactions aren’t only about what is happening today.

They may also connect to our own experiences with control, rejection, abandonment, achievement, conflict, substances, body image, sexuality, authority, or family expectations.

Understanding these patterns doesn’t mean blaming our parents.

It allows us to ask:

Am I responding to my teenager—or am I also responding to something from my own past?

Exploring your own family patterns can help you become more intentional about what you want to carry forward and what you want to change.

You can read more about this in my article on family systems and genograms.

When Parents Need Counselling Too

Sometimes the person who needs support isn’t necessarily the teenager.

Parenting can be exhausting.

You may feel frightened about your child’s choices, confused about boundaries, guilty about past decisions, overwhelmed by conflict, or unsure how to communicate anymore.

Counselling can give parents a place to slow down and understand what is happening beneath the conflict.

At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we can explore:

Communication with your teenager
Parenting triggers
Boundaries and consequences
Family patterns
Separation and co-parenting
Emotional regulation
Conflict
Your changing identity as a parent
How to stay connected while encouraging independence

Sometimes changing one person’s response begins to change the entire family dynamic.

You may also want to read about healthy family dynamics and effective parenting and validation as a communication tool.

Parenting Teenagers Is a Gradual Letting Go

One of the hardest parts of parenting teenagers is accepting that successful parenting eventually requires us to become less necessary.

Our children gradually begin making their own choices.

We move from protector, to teacher, to guide, and eventually toward becoming a trusted person they can return to.

That transition isn’t always smooth.

There will be arguments. Mistakes. Doors may occasionally slam. You may question yourself.

But beneath the changing rules and growing independence, your relationship still matters.

Your teenager doesn’t need a perfect parent.

They need adults who are willing to remain curious, repair after conflict, maintain appropriate boundaries, listen, learn, and continue showing up as they grow.

And sometimes the greatest shift in parenting teenagers is realizing that we are growing alongside them.

If parenting your teenager has become overwhelming or you would like support navigating family relationships, boundaries, communication, or your own emotional responses, contact Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling to learn more about counselling in Nanaimo or online counselling in BC.

Separation Resources in Nanaimo and BC: Where to Find Support

by Veronique Rioux | May 29, 2025 | news

a women and a men on balance board balancing on tip of a mountain Deciding to separate from a partner is rarely simple. Even when you know that separation is the right decision, it can bring a complicated mix of grief, relief, fear, anger, uncertainty, and hope.

There may also suddenly be practical questions to navigate. Where will you live? What happens with the children? How will finances change? Do you need legal advice? How do you communicate with your former partner while emotions are running high?

You don’t have to figure everything out at once.

At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, I support individuals navigating separation, relationship changes, grief, and major life transitions. This guide brings together emotional, legal, family, and community separation resources in Nanaimo and British Columbia that may help you understand your options and decide what support you need.

This article provides general information and resources. It is not legal or financial advice. For advice specific to your circumstances, consult an appropriate legal or financial professional.

1. Take Care of Your Emotional Well-Being During Separation

Separation isn’t only a legal or financial process. It is also an emotional transition.

You may find yourself grieving the relationship you had, the future you imagined, your family structure, your home, friendships, routines, or even parts of your identity.

Sometimes people are surprised to experience grief even when they initiated the separation.

Counselling can provide a confidential space to process what is happening, understand your emotions, and make decisions from a more grounded place.

You might also support yourself by:

Connecting with trusted friends and family
Maintaining regular sleep, meals, movement, and daily routines where possible
Journaling or reflecting on what you’re experiencing
Spending time outdoors
Using mindfulness, breathwork, or grounding practices
Giving yourself time before making decisions that don’t need to be made immediately

If you’re experiencing grief around the end of your relationship, you may also find my article on navigating grief and loss helpful.

2. Understand Your Legal Rights and Responsibilities

Separation can involve decisions about parenting arrangements, child support, spousal support, property, debt, housing, and other legal matters.

A counsellor can help you process emotions and communicate more effectively, but legal advice should come from a qualified legal professional.

Fortunately, there are several separation and family-law resources available in Nanaimo and throughout BC.

Nanaimo Justice Access Centre and Family Duty Counsel

The Nanaimo Justice Access Centre can help people navigate family justice services and connect with appropriate resources. Legal Aid BC also provides family duty counsel services in Nanaimo.

Legal Aid BC currently advises people to call 250-244-4221 for Nanaimo family duty counsel information and current hours.

Legal Aid BC – Family Duty Counsel

Family LawLINE

Legal Aid BC’s Family LawLINE provides free telephone advice from a family lawyer to eligible people with low incomes.

Lawyers can provide brief advice about issues including parenting time, guardianship, child and spousal support, family agreements, limited property-division questions, child protection, and court procedures.

Outside Greater Vancouver, call 1-866-577-2525.

Current hours are Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 9 a.m.–3 p.m., and Wednesday from 9 a.m.–2:30 p.m. Pacific Time.

Legal Aid BC – Family LawLINE

Rise Women’s Legal Centre

Rise Women’s Legal Centre helps women and gender-diverse people navigate BC’s family-law system and provides services to people who otherwise may not be able to afford legal assistance.

For clients outside the Lower Mainland, Rise currently directs people toward its online appointment-request process or email. If you’re unable to use the online process, you can leave a voicemail at 236-317-9000.

Rise Women’s Legal Centre

Access Pro Bono Legal Referral Service

If you need help finding a lawyer, Access Pro Bono’s Legal Referral Service can connect BC residents with an appropriate lawyer, notary, or designated paralegal.

The service currently offers a 15-to-30-minute free consultation with the matched legal professional, subject to availability. You can call 604-687-3221 or use their online service. Depending on income and how you book, a booking fee may apply.

Access Pro Bono Legal Referral Service

3. Protect Your Well-Being and Your Children’s Well-Being

When children are involved, separation affects the entire family.

Children generally benefit from stability, predictable routines, age-appropriate information, and freedom from feeling responsible for the conflict between their parents.

When possible and appropriate, try to keep adult conflict away from children and avoid asking them to carry messages between households or choose sides.

You may need to develop a parenting plan addressing schedules, holidays, school, medical decisions, communication, transportation, and other aspects of parenting across two households.

If you want to explore communication and parenting relationships further, you can read my article about healthy family dynamics and effective parenting.

When Safety Is a Concern

Not every separation can or should be handled collaboratively.

If there is family violence, coercive control, threats, stalking, intimidation, financial abuse, or concerns about the safety of you or your children, getting specialized support is important.

In Nanaimo and Oceanside, Haven Society provides anti-violence services and support for women, children, youth, and families. Its 24/7 crisis line is currently 1-888-756-0616, with a local crisis number of 250-756-0616.

Haven Society

4. Organize Important Information

Separation can become overwhelming quickly, particularly when emotional stress is combined with paperwork and major decisions.

It may help to begin gathering information about:

Bank and investment accounts
Debts and credit
Mortgage or rental information
Property and significant assets
Insurance policies
Income and employment information
Tax documents
Children’s schedules and expenses
Important identification and legal documents

The purpose isn’t to make immediate decisions about how everything should be divided. It’s to understand your financial and practical situation.

Before closing joint accounts, transferring significant funds, disposing of property, or making other major financial changes, consider obtaining legal and financial advice about your particular circumstances.

5. Think About Housing and Financial Changes

For many people, one of the biggest sources of anxiety during separation is simply:

How am I going to afford my life now?

One household may become two. Housing, childcare, transportation, legal expenses, and everyday costs can change significantly.

Start by getting a realistic picture of your current expenses and what may change after separation.

You don’t necessarily need to solve your entire financial future immediately. Understanding your situation gives you a starting point for asking better questions and getting the appropriate professional advice.

6. Communication During Separation

Separation can bring out powerful emotions, particularly when there has been betrayal, resentment, fear, or years of unresolved conflict.

When emotions become intense, communication can quickly turn into defensiveness, accusations, withdrawal, or repeated arguments.

You may find it helpful to keep important communication clear, respectful, and focused on the issue that actually needs to be resolved.

One skill that can be particularly helpful is learning the difference between validation and agreement. You can acknowledge another person’s experience without necessarily agreeing with their interpretation.

You can read more about this in my article on validation and conflict resolution.

7. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve

Separation is a form of loss.

You may be grieving your partner, your family structure, your home, your financial security, shared friendships, traditions, or the future you believed you were building.

Grief doesn’t necessarily mean that leaving was the wrong decision.

It simply means that something meaningful has changed.

You may experience sadness one day and relief the next. You may feel strong and certain and then unexpectedly question everything.

There isn’t one correct emotional response to separation.

8. Begin Building the Next Chapter

Eventually, separation becomes about more than ending a relationship.

It becomes about deciding what comes next.

You may begin asking:

Who am I outside this relationship?

What kind of relationships do I want going forward?

What have I learned about myself?

What patterns don’t I want to repeat?

What kind of life do I want to create now?

This can be an opportunity to reconnect with friendships, interests, movement, creativity, community, career goals, or parts of yourself that may have become less visible during the relationship.

Healing isn’t about pretending the relationship didn’t matter.

It’s about integrating what happened and gradually creating a life that feels like your own again.

How Counselling Can Help During Separation

Counselling can’t make legal decisions for you or tell you whether you should stay or leave.

What it can provide is a space where you don’t have to hold everything alone.

Together, we can explore grief, anger, fear, relationship patterns, boundaries, communication, parenting stress, identity, and the uncertainty that often accompanies separation.

For some couples, counselling may also provide a space to determine whether they want to repair the relationship or separate more intentionally. You can learn more about my approach to couples therapy.

For individuals, counselling can become a place to understand what happened, reconnect with yourself, and begin building what comes next.

At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, I offer in-person counselling in Nanaimo as well as online counselling, making support accessible even when schedules, parenting arrangements, travel, or location make attending an office difficult.

If you would like support while navigating separation or another major relationship transition, you can book a counselling session.

Separation Resources: A Place to Start

You don’t have to resolve your emotional, legal, parenting, housing, and financial concerns all at once.

Start with the area that needs attention most urgently and seek the appropriate support.

Separation can be painful and uncertain, but it can also become a period of reflection, growth, and rebuilding.

With information, support, and time, it is possible to move forward and create a new chapter.

Couples Therapy in Nanaimo: Improving Communication, Trust and Connection

by Veronique Rioux | Apr 2, 2025 | news

men and women sitting in front of therapist

Even strong relationships can become stuck.

You may love each other and still find yourselves having the same argument over and over again. One person may feel unheard or rejected while the other feels criticized, overwhelmed, or unable to do anything right.

Couples therapy can create space to slow those patterns down, understand what is happening underneath them, and begin relating differently.

At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, I work with couples who want to improve communication, rebuild trust, feel more connected, or simply understand each other better.

What Is Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy is counselling focused on the relationship between two people.

The goal is not to decide who is right or wrong.

Instead, we become curious about the pattern happening between you.

How do conflicts begin?

What happens when one person feels hurt?

Who pursues?

Who withdraws?

What emotions sit underneath anger, criticism, defensiveness, or silence?

What does each partner need in order to feel safer, heard, and more connected?

What Can Couples Therapy Help With?

Couples may come to counselling for many reasons, including:

Repeated arguments
Communication difficulties
Emotional disconnection
Loss of intimacy
Trust issues or betrayal
Parenting disagreements
Stress related to blended families
Major life transitions
Different needs for closeness and independence
Resentment that has built over time
Considering separation
Wanting to strengthen an otherwise healthy relationship

You do not need to wait until the relationship is in crisis.

Sometimes coming earlier makes it easier to change patterns before they become deeply entrenched.

Communication Problems in Relationships

Many couples say:

“We just don’t communicate.”

Usually, though, both people are communicating constantly. The difficulty is often how the message is being sent and received.

One person may speak from frustration.

The other hears criticism.

They become defensive.

The first person then feels even less understood and pushes harder.

The cycle escalates.

Couples therapy helps slow this down enough to ask:

What were you trying to say?

What did your partner hear?

What feeling was underneath the reaction?

That is often where the real work begins.

Conflict Is Not the Problem

Every couple has conflict.

The more important question is how the relationship handles conflict.

Healthy conflict does not mean never becoming upset. It means having ways to repair, regulate, take responsibility, and return to connection.

I may help couples practise:

Softer ways of starting difficult conversations
Listening without immediately defending
Expressing needs without attacking
Recognizing emotional flooding
Taking breaks without abandoning the issue
Validating each other’s experience
Making repair attempts after hurt
Returning to the conversation when both people are calmer

You may also want to read my article on emotional validation in relationships.

Rebuilding Trust

Trust can be damaged by many things.

Infidelity.

Dishonesty.

Broken agreements.

Repeated emotional disconnection.

Secrecy.

Feeling unsupported during a major life event.

Rebuilding trust usually takes more than one apology.

It involves understanding what happened, taking responsibility where appropriate, creating consistency, and allowing the injured partner’s experience to be heard.

The process can be difficult, but some couples are able to rebuild a stronger and more honest relationship after significant rupture.

Understanding Attachment Patterns

Sometimes conflict becomes easier to understand when we look through the lens of attachment.

One partner may seek closeness when distressed.

The other may need more space.

The more one reaches, the more the other withdraws.

The more the other withdraws, the more anxious the first becomes.

Neither person necessarily wants this pattern, but both can become caught inside it.

You can read more about attachment styles and relationship patterns.

My Approach to Couples Counselling

I do not use only one model.

My work with couples is integrative and may draw from:

Gottman-informed relationship tools
Imago Relationship Therapy
Attachment theory
Person-centred counselling
Emotional validation
Communication and conflict-resolution work
Mindfulness and emotional regulation

Different couples need different things.

Some need practical tools.

Some need help understanding deeper emotional patterns.

Some need support repairing trust.

Others need space to decide whether they want to continue the relationship.

My role is not to force a particular outcome. It is to help both people understand what is happening and make more conscious choices about the relationship.

You can read more about Gottman-informed couples counselling and Imago Therapy for Couples.

When Longer Sessions May Help

For some couples, a standard session can feel too short.

If the relationship is highly stuck or you want more focused time, longer sessions or couples intensives may be useful.

You can learn more about intensive couples therapy in Nanaimo.

Is Couples Therapy Right for Us?

Couples therapy may be worth considering if:

You keep having the same arguments
One or both of you feel emotionally alone
You avoid important conversations
Trust has been damaged
Intimacy has changed
You feel more like roommates than partners
You are struggling with a major transition
You are considering separation
You want a stronger relationship before things become worse

It can also be helpful when the relationship is generally good but you want to deepen understanding, intimacy, and communication.

When Couples Therapy May Not Be Appropriate

Couples counselling is not the right format in every situation.

If there is ongoing abuse, coercive control, or significant concern about someone’s safety, individual support and specialized services may need to come first.

A consultation can help determine whether couples work is appropriate.

Couples Therapy in Nanaimo and Online

I offer couples counselling in Nanaimo and online.

My goal is to provide a balanced, respectful space where both partners can speak honestly, feel heard, and begin understanding the pattern between them rather than simply blaming one another.

You can learn more about my counselling services in Nanaimo and online.

If you and your partner would like to see whether working together feels like a good fit, you can book a free consultation.

Understanding Self-Sabotage: Why We Get in Our Own Way and How to Change

by Veronique Rioux | Mar 2, 2025 | news

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is the act of deliberately hindering our own progress, whether in personal relationships, career aspirations, or overall well-being. It often stems from deep-seated fears, limiting beliefs, or unresolved emotional wounds. Self-sabotage can manifest in procrastination, negative self-talk, self-destructive behaviors, or repeated patterns of failure in different areas of life.

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

Many people unconsciously engage in self-sabotage due to fears of failure, fear of success, or low self-worth. Some common reasons include:

Fear of Failure – The fear of failing can be so overwhelming that we prefer not to try at all. This is often tied to perfectionism and high self-expectations.
Fear of Success – Success can bring new responsibilities, expectations, and changes that feel intimidating. Some may fear outgrowing their current environment or relationships.
Low Self-Worth – Deep-seated feelings of inadequacy lead us to believe we are not worthy of success, love, or happiness.
Unresolved Trauma – Past emotional wounds, particularly from childhood, can create self-defeating patterns in adulthood.
Comfort Zone Attachment – Change can feel uncomfortable, even if it leads to growth. The subconscious mind prefers familiarity, even if it is harmful.
Negative Inner Dialogue – Self-doubt and harsh self-criticism can keep us stuck in cycles of avoidance and inaction.

Signs of Self-Sabotage

Identifying self-sabotaging behaviors is the first step toward breaking free from them. Some common signs include:

Procrastination – Putting off important tasks despite knowing the consequences.
Perfectionism – Setting unrealistic standards that make success unattainable.
Negative Self-Talk – Constantly criticizing oneself or doubting abilities.
Avoiding Challenges – Staying in the comfort zone and refusing to take risks.
Sabotaging Relationships – Creating unnecessary conflicts or pushing people away.
Addictive Behaviors – Using food, alcohol, or other substances as a way to cope with emotions.
Lack of Follow-Through – Starting projects or setting goals but never completing them.
Self-Isolation – Avoiding social interactions or support systems that could help.

How to Overcome Self-Sabotage

Overcoming self-sabotage requires self-awareness, mindset shifts, and intentional action. Here are some strategies to help break free from self-defeating habits:

1. Develop Self-Awareness

Recognizing patterns of self-sabotage is crucial. Journaling, self-reflection, or therapy can help uncover the root causes of these behaviors.

2. Challenge Negative Beliefs

Replace limiting beliefs with empowering thoughts. For example, instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough,” shift to, “I am capable and deserving of success.”

3. Set Realistic Goals

Break down large goals into small, achievable steps. This reduces overwhelm and builds momentum.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, but they don’t define your worth or potential.

5. Seek Support

Surround yourself with positive influences. Whether through a support group, coaching, or therapy, having guidance can make a significant difference.

6. Replace Destructive Habits

Identify triggers that lead to self-sabotage and replace them with healthier coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness, exercise, or creative outlets.

7. Step Outside Your Comfort Zone

Growth requires discomfort. Challenge yourself to take small risks and celebrate progress along the way.

8. Stay Accountable

Find an accountability partner or coach to help you stay committed to positive change.

The Role of Therapy in Overcoming Self-Sabotage

Holistic counselling can be a powerful tool in identifying and overcoming self-sabotage. At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we take a whole-person approach to healing, addressing the emotional, mental, and behavioral aspects that contribute to self-sabotaging patterns. Through personalized sessions, we help individuals:

Identify underlying fears and limiting beliefs
Develop healthier thought patterns
Build confidence and self-worth
Create actionable steps to achieve personal and professional goals
Heal past traumas that contribute to self-sabotage

Final Thoughts

Self-sabotage can be a frustrating and discouraging cycle, but it is not permanent. By recognizing the patterns, challenging limiting beliefs, and taking intentional action, you can break free from self-defeating behaviors and create a fulfilling, empowered life. If you are struggling with self-sabotage, seeking professional guidance can provide the support and tools needed to make lasting change.

If you’re ready to take the first step toward self-growth and transformation, Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling is here to support you on your journey. Contact us today to schedule a session and start overcoming self-sabotage for good.

You can also check my post Navigating the Grief and Loss Journey.

Family Systems Therapy: Understanding Generational Patterns with a Genogram

by Veronique Rioux | Dec 1, 2024 | news

When we talk about healing and personal growth in counselling, it can be tempting to focus only on the individual. But none of us develops in isolation. We are shaped by relationships, family dynamics, childhood experiences, culture, and the generations that came before us.

One tool I use in my holistic counselling practice is a genogram. A genogram is similar to a family tree, but instead of simply showing who is related to whom, it can help us explore relationships, significant life events, emotional patterns, health information, and experiences across generations.

Looking at your family system can help us become curious about patterns that may still influence your relationships, beliefs, emotions, and choices today.

What Is Family Systems Therapy?

Family systems therapy is influenced by the work of psychiatrist Murray Bowen and the idea that individuals are best understood within the context of their relationships.

A family functions as an interconnected system. When something changes for one member of the family, other relationships within the system may also be affected.

Families also develop patterns over time. These might involve how emotions are expressed, how conflict is handled, who takes responsibility for others, how affection is shown, or which subjects are never discussed.

Some patterns are supportive. Others may create difficulties that continue from one generation to another.

Family systems work isn’t about blaming parents or previous generations. It’s about developing greater awareness of what you learned, what you adapted to, and what you now want to choose for yourself.

What Is a Genogram?

A genogram is a visual representation of your family across multiple generations.

Unlike a traditional family tree, a genogram can include much more than names, marriages, births and deaths. Depending on what is relevant to you, we might explore:

Close, distant or conflicted relationships
Separation and divorce
Significant losses
Mental health challenges
Substance use
Physical health conditions
Trauma or major life events
Parenting patterns
Family roles
Estrangement or emotional cutoff
Repeating relationship patterns

The goal isn’t to diagnose your family.

Instead, we’re creating a map that helps us step back and see the larger picture.

How Does a Genogram Work in Therapy?

We can build your genogram together during counselling.

As we map several generations, patterns sometimes become easier to recognize.

Perhaps conflict was avoided in your family and you now find confrontation frightening.

Maybe you learned very young to take care of everyone else’s emotions and still struggle to identify your own needs.

Perhaps several generations experienced divorce, addiction, loss, emotional distance, or difficult parent-child relationships.

Sometimes we discover strengths too: resilience, creativity, strong relationships, humour, determination, spirituality, or ways your family survived extremely difficult circumstances.

A genogram isn’t only a map of problems. It’s also a map of resources and resilience.

Common Family Patterns a Genogram May Reveal

1. Intergenerational Trauma

Difficult experiences in one generation can influence later generations in many ways.

Children may learn their parents’ coping strategies, beliefs, fears, communication styles, and ways of relating. Family stories and silences can also shape how later generations understand themselves and the world.

Researchers are also studying whether some effects of environmental experiences may influence biological processes across generations through mechanisms associated with epigenetics. This is an evolving area of research, and it shouldn’t be interpreted to mean that trauma permanently determines someone’s genes or future.

You can explore this further in my article Epigenetics and Generational Trauma: How Our Experiences May Shape Us.

2. Family Roles

Children sometimes adapt to their family environment by taking on particular roles.

One child may become the caretaker. Another may become the peacemaker, achiever, rebel, scapegoat, or the child who tries not to need anything.

These aren’t necessarily permanent identities. They can be ways of adapting to the family environment.

As adults, however, we may continue playing these roles long after they’re necessary.

Recognizing them gives us an opportunity to ask:

Who am I when I don’t have to play this role anymore?

3. Communication Patterns

Families develop their own ways of communicating.

Some families talk openly about emotions and disagreements. Others avoid conflict, become defensive, withdraw, criticize, or communicate indirectly.

We often carry some of these patterns into our adult relationships without realizing it.

Counselling can help you recognize these patterns and develop new ways of expressing feelings, needs and boundaries.

4. Parenting Patterns

How we were parented can influence how we parent our own children.

Sometimes we repeat what we experienced. Other times we move strongly in the opposite direction.

Exploring several generations can help us understand where particular parenting beliefs came from and make more intentional decisions about what we want to continue or change.

You can also read my article about healthy family dynamics and effective parenting.

5. Emotional Cutoff

Some families cope with conflict by creating emotional or physical distance.

Family members may stop speaking, avoid difficult subjects, or completely disconnect from one another.

Sometimes distance is necessary for safety or well-being. In other situations, emotional cutoff can leave unresolved feelings that continue affecting relationships.

Family systems therapy allows us to explore these dynamics without assuming reconciliation is always the goal.

Family Systems Therapy Isn’t About Blaming Your Parents

This is important.

Understanding how your family shaped you doesn’t mean deciding who was at fault.

Parents were shaped by their families too.

When we begin looking backward through several generations, we often see that patterns didn’t begin with one particular person.

This doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour. But understanding the larger context can sometimes help us move from blame toward greater awareness and choice.

The question becomes less:

“Whose fault is this?”

and more:

“What happened, how did I adapt, and what do I want to do differently now?”

Integrating Family Systems into Holistic Counselling

Family systems work can be integrated with other therapeutic approaches depending on what you need.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness can help us notice thoughts, emotions, and physical responses as we explore family experiences.

Rather than immediately reacting to an old pattern, we can learn to pause and become curious about what’s happening.

Cognitive and Belief Work

Some beliefs we carry into adulthood may have developed within our family environment.

Perhaps you learned:

Conflict isn’t safe.

My needs aren’t important.

I have to take care of everyone.

I have to be successful to be loved.

Recognizing these beliefs allows us to examine whether they still reflect who you are today.

Mind-Body and Somatic Awareness

Family experiences aren’t only stories we remember intellectually. They can also influence how our nervous system responds to stress, conflict, intimacy, or perceived danger.

For example, you may notice tension, changes in breathing, a desire to withdraw, or a strong urge to defend yourself during certain interactions.

Bringing gentle awareness to these responses can help you better understand your patterns and develop greater choice in how you respond.

Trauma-Informed Counselling

When a family history includes abuse, neglect, loss, instability or other traumatic experiences, it’s important that exploration happens carefully.

Trauma-informed counselling prioritizes safety, choice, collaboration and pacing. You don’t need to tell every story or revisit every painful experience in order to understand yourself.

Family Systems, Attachment and Relationships

Our earliest relationships can influence what closeness, safety, conflict and love feel like to us.

As adults, we may find ourselves repeating familiar relationship dynamics—even when those dynamics aren’t what we consciously want.

This is one reason family systems work connects so naturally with attachment theory.

Understanding both can help us recognize patterns without treating them as fixed personality traits.

If you’re interested in exploring this further, read my article about attachment theory and relationships.

Breaking Generational Patterns

One of the most hopeful parts of family systems work is recognizing that awareness creates choice.

You may not be able to change what happened in your family.

You can’t change your parents, grandparents or childhood.

But you can become more conscious of what you’re carrying forward.

You can learn healthier boundaries.

You can communicate differently.

You can respond differently to conflict.

You can develop healthier relationships.

And if you’re a parent, you can make intentional decisions about which family patterns you want to pass forward and which ones you want to change.

Family Systems Therapy in Nanaimo and Online

I incorporate family systems perspectives into my work with individuals and couples through Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling.

Depending on what brings you to counselling, we may explore your family history, relationships, attachment patterns, beliefs, coping strategies and significant experiences to better understand the larger context of what you’re experiencing today.

You can learn more about my counselling services in Nanaimo and online.

If you’d like to explore your own family patterns and see whether counselling with me feels like a good fit, you can book a consultation or counselling session here.

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