In the world of couples counselling, there is no shortage of methods, philosophies, and tools aimed at helping people repair ruptures and reconnect. But if you’ve ever sat across from your partner in a therapy session and felt like nothing was really shifting—just rehashing the same old story—you’re not alone. That’s why Relational Life Therapy (RLT), created by Terry Real, offers something radically different: a truth-telling, boundary-building, compassion-rooted approach to connection that doesn’t just patch the surface—it transforms the foundation.
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we integrate RLT because it speaks directly to what couples truly need: honesty with heart, accountability with care, and tools that actually work in real-life relationships.
Whether you’re new to counselling or familiar with Terry Real’s Fierce Intimacy podcast, this post will help you understand what RLT is, what “losing strategies” are, and how this approach may be the shift your relationship has been waiting for.
What Is Relational Life Therapy?
Relational Life Therapy is a groundbreaking therapeutic model developed by Terry Real, a family therapist, best-selling author, and relationship expert. RLT moves beyond traditional models of couples counselling that often center around passive listening or simply teaching communication skills. Instead, it addresses power dynamics, trauma legacies, and emotional regulation in a direct, honest, and empowering way.
At its core, RLT is about living relationally—not just coexisting with another person, but choosing to show up fully and vulnerably while also standing strong in your own truth.
Here are a few defining features of RLT:
Direct and compassionate truth-telling: Therapists don’t sit back and stay neutral. They speak up and guide.
Disrupting “losing strategies”: Helping clients recognize and interrupt the behaviors that sabotage connection.
Trauma-informed and holistic: Acknowledging how past wounds affect present dynamics.
Empowerment of both partners: RLT doesn’t cater to just one person’s pain; it holds both accountable to relational growth.
The 5 Losing Strategies: How We Push Love Away Without Realizing It
One of the most powerful tools in RLT is identifying what Terry Real calls “losing strategies.” These are the unconscious behaviours we all use to try to get what we want in relationships—but they inevitably backfire.
Here are the five most common losing strategies:
1. Being Right
The compulsion to prove your point, even at the cost of your partner’s emotional safety. Winning the argument becomes more important than protecting the connection.
2. Controlling
Trying to manage your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviours. This often shows up as fixing, advising, or coercing.
3. Unbridled Self-Expression
Saying whatever you feel in the moment, with no filter or care for how it lands. This may feel “honest,” but it often damages trust.
4. Retaliation
Hitting back—whether subtly or overtly—when you feel hurt. This might look like sarcasm, emotional withdrawal, or revenge.
5. Withdrawal
Shutting down, going quiet, or disappearing emotionally. It’s a common trauma response, but it creates distance and reinforces disconnection.
In RLT, the focus is not on shame, but awareness. These strategies are usually survival tools learned in childhood, or protective responses developed over time. The goal isn’t to judge them—it’s to outgrow them.
The Fierce Intimacy Approach: Love With Backbone and Heart
If you’ve listened to Terry Real’s Fierce Intimacy podcast, you’ll know he doesn’t mince words. He’s known for his no-nonsense delivery, but behind that is a deeply compassionate, trauma-informed approach.
Fierce Intimacy is the idea that real love doesn’t mean being nice all the time—it means being real.
It’s the ability to:
Speak your truth with love
Set boundaries that honour yourself and your partner
Interrupt patterns of disconnection early and effectively
Stand in your dignity without giving up your vulnerability
Many people come into therapy believing that they have to choose between honesty and kindness. In RLT, you learn how to do both.
How RLT Differs from Other Couples Counselling Models
While traditional couples counselling models like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method have their strengths, RLT brings something different to the table—especially when couples feel stuck or one partner is dominating the dynamic.
1. The Therapist Has a Voice
In RLT, the therapist is an active participant, not a neutral referee. They call out patterns, offer direct feedback, and help partners see their blind spots without shame.
2. It’s Trauma-Informed and Systemic
RLT therapists explore how your family of origin and past experiences shape how you show up in your relationship. You learn not just how to fix the present, but how to heal the past.
3. It Centers Accountability and Repair
Instead of endless empathy with no change, RLT invites accountability. Each partner is asked to own their part—with compassion. This is the basis for lasting change.
4. It Addresses Power Imbalances
Many therapy models avoid naming power dynamics, especially gendered ones. RLT goes straight there. It helps rebalance relationships where one person holds too much control or influence, whether emotionally, verbally, or financially.
5. It Works Quickly
RLT is results-oriented. It aims to produce tangible change early in the process, especially in areas like communication, boundaries, and emotional regulation.
Why We Use RLT at Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling
Our practice is built around the belief that relationships are where we heal, and also where our deepest wounds can be triggered. Relational Life Therapy offers a compassionate, bold, and integrative way to work with couples that is transformational—not just functional.
We use RLT because:
It gives couples tools they can use immediately.
It honours both emotional depth and personal accountability.
It supports not just symptom relief, but relational growth.
It aligns with our holistic values—healing is not just about communication, it’s about nervous system regulation, trauma awareness, and soul-level truth.
Is RLT Right for You and Your Partner?
Relational Life Therapy may be a great fit if:
You’re tired of having the same fight over and over
You feel emotionally disconnected from your partner
One of you tends to dominate or shut down
You’re willing to grow as individuals to strengthen the relationship
You want a counsellor who will guide you with honesty and care
You don’t need to wait until things are falling apart to start this work. In fact, many couples use RLT proactively to deepen their connection, even if things are going relatively well.
Final Thoughts: Real Love Takes Real Work
Relational Life Therapy doesn’t offer quick fixes or avoid hard truths—but it does offer real transformation. If you’re ready to stop playing out the same painful patterns and start creating a relationship where both people feel seen, valued, and supported, RLT might be the path forward.
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we’re here to walk that path with you—with truth, compassion, and fierce love. Veronique Rioux currently certified level 1 RLT.
Interested in exploring Relational Life Therapy for your relationship? Reach out today to book a session or consultation. Let’s move beyond survival strategies and into real, connected intimacy—together.
Make sure you check out my others post about couple therapy:
Raising a teenager has never been easy—but today’s world presents new layers of complexity that many parents never expected. If you’re a parent or caregiver navigating adolescence with your child, you’re likely facing more than just mood swings or messy rooms. You’re encountering challenges like social media pressures, mental health struggles, substance use, and the invisible pull of digital dopamine.
And yet, with all these challenges, there is still so much hope. There is a path to connection, trust, and guidance—even through the stormy waters of teenagehood.
This post offers insights into modern parenting, tools for supporting your teen, and gentle reflections on how your role as a parent must evolve as your child becomes their own person.
The New Reality of Raising Teens
Today’s teenagers are growing up in a world that’s far more complex than the one many of us knew. Between constant digital connectivity, academic pressure, and an often confusing mix of online influences, teens face an overwhelming amount of stimulation.
Some of the most common challenges teens—and their parents—are facing include:
Phone dependency and social media addiction
“Fake dopamine” stimulation from endless scrolling, gaming, or content consumption
Increased access to substances, including stronger street drugs and misuse of prescriptions
High rates of anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation
Difficulty forming real-life connections
Academic burnout and disconnection from traditional learning environments
Many parents feel stuck between trying to protect their teens and needing to give them space. And the truth is—both are necessary.
Understanding the Teenage Brain
Teenagers are not mini-adults. Their brains are still in development, especially in the prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and long-term thinking. At the same time, their emotional and reward centers are highly active, seeking novelty, validation, and belonging.
What this means for you as a parent is that your teen will make mistakes. They’ll seek highs. They’ll push boundaries. And they’ll need you—not to control them—but to stay grounded beside them as they figure things out.
Parenting Styles: Shifting From Control to Trust
Parenting young children often involves strong boundaries, consistency, and external discipline. But as your child enters adolescence, the dynamic must shift.
Here’s how parenting changes from childhood to teenagehood:
With younger kids:
Clear rules and consequences
Structure and predictability
External control and authority
With teenagers:
Trust and open dialogue
Boundaries that evolve with their growth
Consequences that teach rather than punish
Opportunities for freedom and self-regulation
If you’re still using the same parenting strategies from the toddler or elementary years, you’re likely hitting resistance. That resistance isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a sign your teen is growing. And you’re being invited to grow with them.
What Can You Do as a Parent?
It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, especially when your teen seems distant, angry, or lost in their phone. But you don’t need to be perfect—you just need to be present, honest, and open.
Here are some ways you can support your teen through the ups and downs of adolescence:
1. Model Healthy Boundaries with Technology
Teens learn more from what you do than what you say. If you’re constantly on your phone or using screens to check out, they notice. Try creating shared screen-free times (like meals or before bed) and talk openly about how you manage screen time and dopamine overload.
2. Normalize Mental Health Conversations
Make space for emotional check-ins. Instead of “How was your day?” try asking, “What was the best part of your day?” or “Did anything feel heavy today?” Talk about therapy, stress, anxiety, and coping in non-judgmental ways.
3. Respect Their Growing Need for Autonomy
Let your teen make choices—and learn from the outcomes. If they forget their lunch or fail a test, it’s not the end of the world. It’s a chance to build resilience and responsibility.
4. Be the Calm in the Storm
Teenagers are like emotional barometers—they pick up on your stress, fear, and judgment. The more grounded and regulated you are, the safer they feel to be honest with you. Practice your own emotional regulation so you can hold space for theirs.
5. Keep Communication Open
Instead of lecturing, ask curious questions. Avoid shame-based responses. When they feel safe being honest, they’re more likely to come to you when it really matters.
Navigating Medication and Mental Health Support
Many teens today are prescribed medication for anxiety, depression, or ADHD. While medication can be incredibly supportive for some, it’s rarely the whole solution. Parents often worry that medications “aren’t working”—but what’s often happening is that medication alone isn’t enough.
A holistic approach—combining therapy, healthy lifestyle habits, connection, and supportive routines—often yields the best outcomes. As a parent, your role isn’t to have all the answers, but to be an advocate and ally for your teen’s well-being.
Recommended Resources for Parenting Teens
There are many powerful tools and resources available to support you on this journey. Here are a few we recommend:
Books:
“Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain” by Daniel J. Siegel
“Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood” by Lisa Damour
“Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” by Charles Fay & Foster Cline
“How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk” by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Sometimes, no matter how present or supportive you are, things still feel hard. Your teen may be shutting down. You may feel burned out. Or there might be deeper patterns in your family that need support.
That’s where counselling can help.
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we offer a compassionate space to:
Work through parenting struggles
Explore new ways of connecting with your teen
Process your own triggers and past experiences
Learn how to set boundaries and hold space at the same time
You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Whether you’re navigating a mental health diagnosis, school refusal, emotional outbursts, or everyday parenting exhaustion—we’re here to support you.
Final Thoughts: You’re Doing Better Than You Think
If you’re reading this, it’s because you care deeply. You want to understand, support, and show up for your teenager in the best way you can.
Parenting teens is a dance—between closeness and space, between discipline and trust. It requires courage, humility, and a willingness to grow alongside your child.
But you’re not alone. Support is available. Growth is possible. And connection can be rebuilt, even when it feels far away.
Need support with parenting your teen?
Reach out to us at Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling. Whether you’re looking for individual guidance or family support, we’re here to walk beside you—through the chaos, the growth, and the beauty of this stage.
Deciding to separate from a partner is never easy. It’s a deeply emotional choice that often comes with a mix of relief, grief, uncertainty, and fear about the future. Whether the separation is peaceful or complex, it’s crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being, become informed about your rights, and seek out trusted separation resources to help guide you.
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we support individuals through all stages of relationship change. This guide outlines practical steps to take when you decide to separate and offers accessible separation resources in Nanaimo and across Vancouver Island.
Step 1: Prioritize Your Emotional Well-Being
Separation is a major life transition. The emotional toll can be significant, which is why taking care of your mental and emotional health is essential.
Seek counselling support: Working with a therapist provides a safe space to process your feelings, gain clarity, and start building a healthier path forward. Whether through individual therapy or couples counselling (if appropriate), support can help you stay grounded.
Practice self-care: Daily activities like journaling, mindful walking, yoga, breathwork, or spending time with loved ones can help reduce stress and boost your resilience.
Build a support network: Reaching out to trusted friends, family, or community support groups can help reduce isolation and remind you that you are not alone in this journey.
If you’re not sure where to start, separation resources that include counselling and emotional support services in your area can make this transition feel more manageable.
Step 2: Understand Your Legal Rights and Responsibilities
Legal matters are often a big part of separation. You may need to navigate decisions around parenting arrangements, child and spousal support, division of assets, and more. Accessing the right separation resources ensures you make informed choices.
Local Separation Resources for Legal Support – Vancouver Island:
1. Justice Access Centre – Nanaimo This centre provides free legal information and can connect you with legal professionals for advice on separation-related issues.
📞 Phone: 250-741-5447
📍 Address: #302-65 Front St, Nanaimo, BC
🕐 Hours: Mon–Fri 8:30 AM – 5:30 PM
2. Family LawLine Offers free telephone legal advice for low-income individuals experiencing family law issues, including separation.
3. Rise Women’s Legal Centre Provides trauma-informed legal services tailored to women and gender-diverse individuals navigating family law challenges.
4. Family Law Advocacy Program Offers support with legal information, referrals, and advocacy—especially helpful in complex or overlapping legal matters like immigration and child protection.
📞 Phone: 250-723-8281 (Ask for Trudy Wale)
5. Lawyer Referral Service This service connects BC residents with legal professionals for a reduced-rate consultation—great for exploring your options without committing to full representation.
These separation resources help make the legal side of separation more accessible and less intimidating.
Step 3: Protect Yourself and Your Children
If safety is a concern or children are involved, it’s essential to take steps to protect everyone’s well-being.
Document important details: Keep copies of legal documents, bank records, IDs, and anything that may be needed during legal proceedings.
Create a parenting plan: Try to collaborate on a child-focused parenting plan that prioritizes stability and emotional safety for your children.
Ensure safety: If your relationship involves emotional, physical, or financial abuse, contact crisis or victim support services immediately.
Haven Society – Community-Based Victim Services Offers help with safety planning, legal guidance, and emotional support for those affected by violence.
These kinds of separation resources are critical for anyone navigating a high-conflict or unsafe separation.
Step 4: Address Financial and Housing Needs
Separation often brings changes in housing and finances. It’s important to plan for these changes proactively.
Review shared accounts: Begin separating your finances by closing joint accounts and opening your own.
Track your expenses: Understanding your post-separation financial needs can help you set a sustainable budget.
Explore housing options: If you need emergency shelter or a new place to live, connect with local housing support services.
Some separation resources may also include financial literacy workshops, credit counselling, or community-based housing referrals.
Step 5: Move Forward With Intention
While separation can feel like an ending, it’s also an opportunity to rebuild, rediscover yourself, and start again.
Reconnect with yourself: Revisit hobbies and interests that you may have neglected.
Set short- and long-term goals: Think about what you want your life to look like in six months or a year—and take small steps toward it.
Continue therapy: Post-separation therapy can help you heal from emotional wounds and strengthen your sense of self.
Use this time to access separation resources that help with personal growth, self-discovery, and emotional resilience.
We’re Here to Help
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we believe that navigating separation can be a turning point toward a healthier, more fulfilling life. If you’re looking for emotional guidance, therapy, or help connecting with the right separation resources, we’re here for you every step of the way.
📞 Contact us today to learn more about how we can support you through this journey.
We acknowledge with gratitude that we live and work on the unceded traditional territories of the Coast Salish People, including the Snuneymuxw, Stz’uminus, Snaw-Naw-As, and Qualicum First Nations.
You are not alone. With the right separation resources and support, healing is possible.
Relationships are the foundation of our emotional well-being, yet even the strongest couples face challenges. Whether it’s miscommunication, recurring conflicts, or feeling disconnected, these struggles can take a toll on a relationship. This is where couples therapy comes in—a safe and supportive space to rebuild trust, improve communication, and strengthen emotional bonds.
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counseling, we believe that every relationship can benefit from deeper understanding and guidance. Whether you’re facing a crisis or simply want to enhance your connection, couples therapy offers tools and insights to help both partners feel heard, valued, and supported.
What Is Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy is a form of psychotherapy designed to help partners navigate their relationship challenges. A trained therapist provides guidance, offering new perspectives and communication strategies that lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
During sessions, couples can work on:
Improving communication skills
Understanding each other’s emotional needs
Resolving conflicts effectively
Rebuilding trust after betrayal
Strengthening emotional and physical intimacy
Navigating life transitions together
Common Challenges Addressed in Couples Therapy
Every relationship has its unique struggles, but some issues are more common than others. Couples therapy can help address:
1. Communication Breakdown
Poor communication is one of the leading causes of relationship issues. Many couples struggle with expressing their needs, active listening, or resolving disagreements without escalating into arguments. Therapy helps partners develop healthy communication habits, ensuring both feel heard and understood.
2. Frequent Arguments & Conflict Resolution
All couples argue, but how conflicts are handled determines the health of a relationship. A therapist can help identify harmful patterns and teach conflict resolution strategies that promote compromise and mutual respect.
3. Trust Issues & Betrayal
Infidelity, dishonesty, or past betrayals can severely damage trust in a relationship. Couples therapy provides a space to rebuild trust, process emotions, and create a stronger foundation for the future.
4. Emotional or Physical Disconnection
Over time, couples may feel emotionally or physically distant from one another. Whether due to stress, life changes, or unresolved conflicts, therapy can help reignite intimacy and strengthen emotional bonds.
5. Life Transitions & Major Decisions
Marriage, parenthood, career changes, or moving to a new place—life transitions can put stress on any relationship. Couples therapy can help partners navigate these changes together with understanding and support.
Benefits of Couples Therapy
1. Strengthened Communication Skills
A major benefit of couples therapy is learning how to communicate effectively. Many couples struggle with expressing their emotions or listening to their partner without judgment. Therapy introduces active listening techniques and constructive dialogue practices to help both partners feel truly heard.
2. Increased Emotional Connection
Many relationships lose their spark over time. Therapy helps couples reconnect emotionally, understand each other’s love languages, and create a deeper sense of intimacy.
3. Tools for Conflict Resolution
Rather than avoiding conflicts or letting them escalate, therapy teaches couples how to handle disagreements in a healthy, respectful way. This includes learning how to de-escalate tensions, express feelings without blame, and find common ground.
4. Strengthening Trust & Security
For couples who have experienced breaches of trust, therapy provides a structured approach to healing and rebuilding. Through open discussions and guided exercises, partners can work towards restoring security in their relationship.
5. Better Problem-Solving Skills
Couples therapy helps partners approach challenges with teamwork and collaboration. Instead of falling into blame or defensiveness, they learn how to tackle issues together with patience and understanding.
How Vancouver Island Holistic Counseling Can Help
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counseling, we take a compassionate and holistic approach to couples therapy. Our goal is to help couples build stronger, healthier relationships by addressing their unique needs and challenges.
What Sets Us Apart?
Holistic Approach: We consider the mind, body, and emotions in healing relationships.
Personalized Sessions: Every couple receives tailored guidance based on their specific struggles.
Safe & Judgment-Free Space: We provide a supportive environment where both partners feel comfortable sharing their feelings.
Effective Tools & Techniques: Our therapy sessions incorporate proven methods such as mindfulness, communication exercises, and emotional regulation techniques.
Whether you’re dating, engaged, married, or in a long-term partnership, our therapy sessions are designed to help you create a relationship that is fulfilling and resilient.
Is Couples Therapy Right for You?
If you’re wondering whether couples therapy is the right step, ask yourself: ✔ Do we struggle with communication? ✔ Do we have recurring conflicts that never seem to get resolved? ✔ Has trust been broken in our relationship? ✔ Do we feel disconnected emotionally or physically? ✔ Are we facing a major life transition that’s causing tension? ✔ Do we want to improve our relationship and grow stronger together?
If you answered yes to any of these, couples therapy could be a transformative experience for your relationship.
Take the First Step Toward a Healthier Relationship
Investing in your relationship is one of the most meaningful things you can do for yourself and your partner. Whether you’re looking to resolve specific issues or simply strengthen your bond, couples therapy at Vancouver Island Holistic Counseling can provide the tools and support you need.
Ready to take the next step? Book a session today and start your journey towards a stronger, healthier relationship.
📞 Contact Us Today!
📍 Vancouver Island Holistic Counseling 📅 Flexible Appointments Available 🌿 Holistic, Personalized Approach
Self-sabotage is the act of deliberately hindering our own progress, whether in personal relationships, career aspirations, or overall well-being. It often stems from deep-seated fears, limiting beliefs, or unresolved emotional wounds. Self-sabotage can manifest in procrastination, negative self-talk, self-destructive behaviors, or repeated patterns of failure in different areas of life.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
Many people unconsciously engage in self-sabotage due to fears of failure, fear of success, or low self-worth. Some common reasons include:
Fear of Failure – The fear of failing can be so overwhelming that we prefer not to try at all. This is often tied to perfectionism and high self-expectations.
Fear of Success – Success can bring new responsibilities, expectations, and changes that feel intimidating. Some may fear outgrowing their current environment or relationships.
Low Self-Worth – Deep-seated feelings of inadequacy lead us to believe we are not worthy of success, love, or happiness.
Unresolved Trauma – Past emotional wounds, particularly from childhood, can create self-defeating patterns in adulthood.
Comfort Zone Attachment – Change can feel uncomfortable, even if it leads to growth. The subconscious mind prefers familiarity, even if it is harmful.
Negative Inner Dialogue – Self-doubt and harsh self-criticism can keep us stuck in cycles of avoidance and inaction.
Signs of Self-Sabotage
Identifying self-sabotaging behaviors is the first step toward breaking free from them. Some common signs include:
Procrastination – Putting off important tasks despite knowing the consequences.
Perfectionism – Setting unrealistic standards that make success unattainable.
Negative Self-Talk – Constantly criticizing oneself or doubting abilities.
Avoiding Challenges – Staying in the comfort zone and refusing to take risks.
Sabotaging Relationships – Creating unnecessary conflicts or pushing people away.
Addictive Behaviors – Using food, alcohol, or other substances as a way to cope with emotions.
Lack of Follow-Through – Starting projects or setting goals but never completing them.
Self-Isolation – Avoiding social interactions or support systems that could help.
How to Overcome Self-Sabotage
Overcoming self-sabotage requires self-awareness, mindset shifts, and intentional action. Here are some strategies to help break free from self-defeating habits:
1. Develop Self-Awareness
Recognizing patterns of self-sabotage is crucial. Journaling, self-reflection, or therapy can help uncover the root causes of these behaviors.
2. Challenge Negative Beliefs
Replace limiting beliefs with empowering thoughts. For example, instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough,” shift to, “I am capable and deserving of success.”
3. Set Realistic Goals
Break down large goals into small, achievable steps. This reduces overwhelm and builds momentum.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, but they don’t define your worth or potential.
5. Seek Support
Surround yourself with positive influences. Whether through a support group, coaching, or therapy, having guidance can make a significant difference.
6. Replace Destructive Habits
Identify triggers that lead to self-sabotage and replace them with healthier coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness, exercise, or creative outlets.
7. Step Outside Your Comfort Zone
Growth requires discomfort. Challenge yourself to take small risks and celebrate progress along the way.
8. Stay Accountable
Find an accountability partner or coach to help you stay committed to positive change.
The Role of Therapy in Overcoming Self-Sabotage
Holistic counselling can be a powerful tool in identifying and overcoming self-sabotage. At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, we take a whole-person approach to healing, addressing the emotional, mental, and behavioral aspects that contribute to self-sabotaging patterns. Through personalized sessions, we help individuals:
Identify underlying fears and limiting beliefs
Develop healthier thought patterns
Build confidence and self-worth
Create actionable steps to achieve personal and professional goals
Heal past traumas that contribute to self-sabotage
Final Thoughts
Self-sabotage can be a frustrating and discouraging cycle, but it is not permanent. By recognizing the patterns, challenging limiting beliefs, and taking intentional action, you can break free from self-defeating behaviors and create a fulfilling, empowered life. If you are struggling with self-sabotage, seeking professional guidance can provide the support and tools needed to make lasting change.
If you’re ready to take the first step toward self-growth and transformation, Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling is here to support you on your journey. Contact us today to schedule a session and start overcoming self-sabotage for good.
When we talk about healing and personal growth in therapy, we often focus on the individual. However, every person is part of a larger web of relationships, dynamics, and histories that profoundly shape who they are, a family system. One of the most powerful tools I use in my holistic counselling practice—both online and in-person in Nanaimo—is the genogram. A genogram is a visual representation of a person’s family relationships and medical history across generations. It serves as a road map, revealing patterns, influences, and underlying dynamics in a family system.
By using a genogram to explore your family system, we can gain insight into recurring patterns of behavior, emotional struggles, and even health issues that may be influencing your life today. This approach helps me guide you toward deeper understanding, healing, and growth. Whether you’re seeking therapy for personal struggles, relationship challenges, or generational trauma, the family system plays a key role in shaping your experiences.
How can a Genogram help us understand our family systems?
A genogram is similar to a family tree, but it’s much more detailed and complex. While a family tree focuses on the lineage—names, birth dates, and relationships—a genogram digs deeper into the emotional and psychological relationships within the family. It also includes information about health, personality traits, patterns of behavior, and significant life events. Through this, it becomes possible to track the influence of family dynamics across generations.
In holistic therapy, I use the genogram to understand the family system and how its history may be affecting you today. Whether we are working together online or in-person in Nanaimo, creating a genogram allows me to see the bigger picture of your life, giving us both a deeper understanding of the challenges you’re facing.
How a Genogram Works in Therapy
During our sessions, we build your genogram together. I ask you to share details about your immediate family and extended family, including relationships, conflicts, and any significant events or traumas. From there, we can track recurring patterns, such as:
Divorce or separation
Substance abuse
Mental health struggles like depression or anxiety
Relationship patterns, such as codependency or conflict
Parenting styles and generational shifts in discipline
Inherited trauma and unresolved emotional issues
By mapping out these patterns, we begin to see how they affect your current behavior, choices, and mental health. Many people find it eye-opening to discover that certain struggles are not just personal but part of a larger family system passed down through generations.
Understanding Family Systems
The family systems theory is a foundational concept in family therapy, developed by Dr. Murray Bowen. It posits that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from their family unit. Instead, a person’s behavior, emotions, and mental health are influenced by the dynamics within the family system. When one person in the system changes, it affects the entire family.
In this approach, the family is viewed as an interconnected system where each member’s role, behavior, and interactions influence the others. Sometimes, dysfunction in the family system—such as poor communication, unresolved conflict, or rigid roles—leads to emotional distress or unhealthy patterns in one or more members.
Family systems therapy, using tools like the genogram, helps identify these dynamics. By understanding the role each family member plays in the system and how the system has shaped your experiences, we can work together to create change. This insight empowers you to break free from unhealthy cycles and embrace healthier, more supportive ways of relating to yourself and others.
Common Family Patterns Revealed by the Genogram
When building a genogram, certain patterns often come to light that may not have been immediately apparent. Some of these patterns include:
1. Intergenerational Trauma
Trauma can be passed down from one generation to the next, even if it isn’t directly discussed. Unresolved trauma in a parent or grandparent can manifest as anxiety, depression, or dysfunctional relationships in future generations. By identifying these patterns in a genogram, I can help you begin the process of healing inherited trauma, breaking the cycle for yourself and future generations.
2. Role Assignment
Families often assign specific roles to their members, such as the “caretaker,” the “scapegoat,” or the “golden child.” These roles can be limiting and cause stress, especially if they don’t align with the individual’s authentic self. Understanding your role in the family system can help you step out of limiting patterns and embrace more freedom in your personal identity.
3. Communication Patterns
Some families communicate openly and resolve conflicts in healthy ways, while others may avoid difficult conversations or rely on passive-aggressive behaviors. Recognizing the communication patterns in your family system is key to improving how you relate to others in your current relationships.
4. Parenting Styles
How you were parented—and how your parents were parented—can have a profound effect on your own parenting style or how you view authority. A genogram can help identify the ways in which parenting patterns are passed down, enabling you to make conscious choices about the kind of parent you want to be.
5. Emotional Cutoff
Sometimes family members deal with unresolved tension or conflict by cutting off emotional or physical contact. This can create long-lasting rifts that affect not only the individuals involved but the entire family system. Recognizing these emotional cutoffs helps in understanding why certain relationships are strained and how to approach healing.
Healing Through Family Systems Therapy
In both online therapy and in-person sessions in Nanaimo, I use family systems therapy to help you understand and navigate the complex dynamics within your family. The goal is not to place blame or dwell on the past but to understand how these dynamics shape your present behavior, thoughts, and emotions. Through this understanding, we can begin to heal old wounds, create healthier boundaries, and foster better communication.
Some of the therapeutic approaches I integrate into family systems work include:
1. Mindfulness-Based Therapy
Mindfulness practices help you stay grounded in the present moment, even as we explore potentially painful family histories. By developing mindfulness, you can observe your thoughts and emotions without becoming overwhelmed, allowing you to approach your family dynamics with a clearer mind.
2. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
CBT is helpful for identifying and challenging negative thought patterns that may have been shaped by your family system. For example, if you learned to believe that conflict is dangerous or that you’re not worthy of love, CBT helps reframe these beliefs to create healthier ways of thinking.
3. Somatic Therapy
Family trauma can manifest not only in the mind but also in the body. Somatic therapy addresses how past experiences are stored in the body, helping you release physical tension and stress linked to family dynamics.
4. Trauma-Informed Counseling
If your family system includes abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma, I take a trauma-informed approach to therapy. This means creating a safe, supportive environment where you can explore and process these experiences at your own pace, without feeling pressured or retraumatized.
The Benefits of Online and In-Person Therapy for Family Systems Work
Whether you’re engaging in online therapy or attending in-person sessions in Nanaimo, family systems work can be deeply transformative. I offer flexible options to suit your needs, allowing you to choose the format that works best for you.
1. Online Therapy
For those who are unable to attend in person, online therapy offers a convenient and effective way to explore family systems work from the comfort of your home. Virtual sessions provide the same depth and insight as in-person counseling, with the added benefit of accessibility.
2. In-Person Therapy
In-person therapy in my Nanaimo office offers a tranquil, supportive environment where we can explore your family dynamics and work toward healing. If you prefer face-to-face interaction or feel that the energy of being physically present enhances your experience, in-person sessions can provide a deeper connection.
The Power of Understanding Your Family System
Working with a genogram and exploring your family system can unlock profound insights into the patterns that shape your life. By identifying and understanding these patterns, you can break free from limiting behaviors, heal old wounds, and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships. You might want to learn more by looking at epigenetics post.
At Vancouver Island Holistic Counselling, whether through online therapy or in-person sessions in Nanaimo, I’m here to support you in this journey. Together, we’ll explore your family system, uncover the roots of your struggles, and pave the way for growth, healing, and transformation.
Relational Life Therapy is a groundbreaking therapeutic model developed by Terry Real, a family therapist, best-selling author, and relationship expert. RLT moves beyond traditional models of couples counselling that often center around passive listening or simply teaching communication skills. Instead, it addresses power dynamics, trauma legacies, and emotional regulation in a direct, honest, and empowering way.
If you’ve listened to Terry Real’s Fierce Intimacy podcast, you’ll know he doesn’t mince words. He’s known for his no-nonsense delivery, but behind that is a deeply compassionate, trauma-informed approach.
While traditional couples counselling models like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method have their strengths, RLT brings something different to the table—especially when couples feel stuck or one partner is dominating the dynamic.
Some of the most common challenges teens—and their parents—are facing include:
With younger kids:
Step 3: Protect Yourself and Your Children
Relationships are the foundation of our emotional well-being, yet even the strongest couples face challenges. Whether it’s miscommunication, recurring conflicts, or feeling disconnected, these struggles can take a toll on a relationship. This is where couples therapy comes in—a safe and supportive space to rebuild trust, improve communication, and strengthen emotional bonds.
Couples therapy is a form of psychotherapy designed to help partners navigate their relationship challenges. A trained therapist provides guidance, offering new perspectives and communication strategies that lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
A major benefit of couples therapy is learning how to communicate effectively. Many couples struggle with expressing their emotions or listening to their partner without judgment. Therapy introduces active listening techniques and constructive dialogue practices to help both partners feel truly heard.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Signs of Self-Sabotage
A genogram is similar to a family tree, but it’s much more detailed and complex. While a family tree focuses on the lineage—names, birth dates, and relationships—a genogram digs deeper into the emotional and psychological relationships within the family. It also includes information about health, personality traits, patterns of behavior, and significant life events. Through this, it becomes possible to track the influence of family dynamics across generations.
During our sessions, we build your genogram together. I ask you to share details about your immediate family and extended family, including relationships, conflicts, and any significant events or traumas. From there, we can track recurring patterns, such as: